Bloody Nipples?

No, you didn’t just stumble upon a disgusting fetish porn site… this is far from it, you perverts.

Bloody nipples, is unfortunately, the most embarrassing injury ever assessed.  Luckily for women, it happens predominately in male runners (unless you’re the type of runner that disregards sport bra’s….which would just be distracting).

To  achieve this elite injury, you’ll have to run a extended amount of time, sweating profusely, and chafe the s*%# out of your nipples on your shirt, thus the constant friction destroys your little nips and creates blood.  Such an injury can only be awarded to the very few runners, that honestly, just don’t know when to stop.

Usually, this happens only once to a runner.  They make the mistake of wearing a cotton tshirt, train too long, and the mistake happens.  No big deal.  Unfortunately for me, I have the most sensitive nipples in the world and can’t seem to wear ANY product to shave my little babies from the excruciating pain.  Cotton shirts?…no, Dri fit shirts?….no, bandaids?…no.  I am convinced that even when I run shirtless, the sheer amount of sweat that I produce will create a salty/sandy ”aqua shirt”  in which my nipples would somehow, find a way to chafe against and throw me into submission.

My horror story with this injury involves me going for a long training run, but due to weather, I was forced to go to my local gym.  My run was to be a 2 hour jog…nothing to serious, just to get it done.  I decided on the first half of my run to be treadmill (football game was on) and the second hour to be completed on the indoor gym track.  First hour, went by with a breeze, everything is feeling great, barely noticed that I was even exercising…i’m on cloud nine.  I immediately exit the treadmill and run over to the track and begin my 2nd hour of training.  Now, this track, goes around the entire gym, creating a open perimeter around the weights and machines.  On the outside of the track, is a wall that is completely encased with mirrors, for whatever reason, but mirrors provide the barrier on the track, for those individuals so narcissistic that they have to even constantly look at the mirror while on a jog, unfortunately for me though, I never look at the damn mirrors…..wish I did on this day though.  Anyway, I’m flying around this track, lapping people left and right, checking out the spectators on the machines, really feeling good….it’s not until roughly 30 minutes into the track run that I wipe the sweat off my forehead and I notice a stream of blood all the way down my WHITE T-SHIRT….. I immediately stop my epic run and pull the shirt away from my body to check my nipples out, and they are just destroyed…. never have they been more red and distressed in my life.  I’m thinking to myself, “Why didn’t I feel this coming?….was I in ‘the zone’ that much to not notice the chaffing?”  Anyway… I shrug it off and begin to think about my exit strategy, but as I lift my head to assess my situation, I notice that I’m right in the damn middle of the entire workout facility, at the peak time of day to which everyone and their mother likes to work out, at the most popular gym in the city…”Shit shit shit shit….” I think to myself, and I immediately bolt the most efficient way possible to the mens locker room, which of course is a half mile away in this gym.  Too embarrassed to even keep my head up and see if people notice, I just assume that everyone is looking in disgust at me, wondering why I secrete Strawberry Kool-Aid from my nipples.

My face was probably more red than my shirt that day, but nonetheless I learned a valuable lesson.  Never, ever, wear white.